stream of consciousness

I type this post on my phone at 1:30 in the morning as I listen to the rain pouring down outside my apartment and try to make my mind stop whirring with stressful thoughts. My open class is on Thursday, just three days away. The two other NETs in my evaluation group have finished their open classes and both went extremely well, leaving all the pressure on me to perform up to their standards. Well I guess I’m not technically supposed to be the one performing because the students are the important part of the lesson but it still falls on me to provide the motivation and the tools and the knowledge to get them to perform well. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet… some moments I feel a bit confident and think everything will be fine, the kids will behave better than normal because they’re being watched, and no one will have anything too harsh to say… but other moments I feel deep fear and unease in the pit of my stomach as I worry that the kids simply won’t care (it’s the class period right before lunch – worst possible timing right??) and I’ll trip over my words, faltering in the face of their apathy and the disapproving face of the DMOE supervisor. Nothing I can do about it now though, except prepare the best I can. I’m so tired today. It was one of those days – I woke up late with literally 30 minutes from the time my eyes popped open (and thank God they did because I’d shut off my alarm in my sleep) to the time I ran out the door with my huge laptop bag and umbrella in hand, because of course it would rain on a day like today. And when I got to school, breathlessly running up the stairs as the bell rang, I was informed that my schedule had changed and I had four classes in a row crammed into the morning periods, from 9:00-12:30, because then I had to go to another NET’s open class. I didn’t have time to eat lunch and of course I hadn’t eaten breakfast given my frantic morning. I really don’t mean to complain so much; I’m just musing and perhaps venting a little. My brain feels too tired to put sentences into proper paragraphs and really organize my thoughts so I’m writing like this. Minutes are ticking by and I know I’ll regret staying up the extra 10 minutes to type this post but I also don’t want to go to bed yet because my head is still spinning with thoughts. Thoughts of the kids and thoughts of what will happen on Thursday, thoughts of how beautiful the weather was last weekend (perhaps pictures of my visit to Mount Apsan will make an appearance in a later post… no promises), thoughts of bills all in Korean that I need to ask for help about… wow that last sentence is a mess but it’s too difficult to go back and fix it on my phone so that’s how it’ll have to stay. Apologies for the sloppiness and laundry list of complaints that is this post… this is what happens to my mind when I average 5 hours of sleep a night and it’s almost two in the morning. But it’s okay. I’m still happy. I’m happy now even while I stare my approaching open class in the eye. Here’s to whatever adventures tomorrow brings. Goodnight, Korea.

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2 thoughts on “stream of consciousness

  1. So I randomly clicked on a suggested post link at the end of the “Small Victories” post… and found this… wow such a blast from the past. And how sweet that your uncle posted his encouraging comment! 🙂

    Like

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